your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This baby is an asshole
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
