I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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