You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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