I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
