I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
