just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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