Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
