I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
