i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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