its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
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