Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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