yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
