i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
