I am puke
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
