Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
