He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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