I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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