I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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