I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
