It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Life is so much better after having sex.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
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For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
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We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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