maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
