There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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