Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
