Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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