She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Randomize
