Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
