Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
