Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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