i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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