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Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
