you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
