My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
