He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
