if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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