I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
