That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
