Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
