You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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