woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
