so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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