whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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