just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
third nipple confirmed
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
