I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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