his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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