There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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