If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
