She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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