My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
