I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i've created a new STD.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
