I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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