definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
